Today I am hosting a blog from Adam Barnes, who took part in a week of work experience with me through the charity organisation Arts Emergency. Take it away, Adam!
When offered this amazing opportunity to write a post for Emily’s blog after completing a week’s work experience with her (which also was amazing by the way!), I agonised over what I should write about for the majority of the week. I could talk about media that is close to my heart, I could give a generic, emotionless recount of the placement, or I could open up about how my mental health recovery impacted my week with Emily and my overall creative journey.
To be blunt, since the pandemic I’ve felt “useless”.
Yes, I completed a Masters degree in 2021 but I haven’t done anything with it, I haven’t gone anywhere.
For three years, I’ve sat in my childhood bedroom and desperately tried to write my way out of depression and poverty, too afraid to go out into the terrifying world, while those around me got “proper” jobs, bought their first houses, and met partners.
The biggest events in my life over that time were new diagnoses; ASD, ADHD, and finally the big one, that I always suspected, C-PTSD.
It was only after being diagnosed with C-PTSD that I decided to take charge of my healing journey. I picked up books on mental health and trauma and started therapy, and it did feel like progress.
The night before my first day working with Emily, I was awake all night panicking and telling myself I wasn’t good enough to be on this placement, that I would be “found out” as a fraud; a bad writer and undeserving of help.
Logically, I know this is not true.
But silencing that critical voice is a momentous task.
All the healing work I had done seemed to disappear and I was transported back to being a frightened six year-old.
Thankfully, the critical voice was wrong. The anxiety I felt vanished almost instantly once I was in the meeting with Emily, replaced by that feeling of excitement and motivation to create. A feeling always seems inaccessible when shrouded by a dark cloud of depression, but is truthfully right in front of me.
Something I learned during the week is that creativity helps you to trust yourself again, to nurture your relationship with yourself. Emily’s insightful feedback helped me realise that I can trust my creative instincts, that my writing is my own and with the right support I can express myself fully.
When it comes to accepting the reality of making a career as a creative, I’ve had to wrestle with the beast of self-doubt and fear, believing that the odds are against me no matter what, because why would anyone want to hear from me?
I am grateful to Arts Emergency and people like Emily who offer guidance and support in creative careers purely out of kindness. The biggest lesson I’ve learned while trying to move forward creatively and dealing with mental health issues is to find community and ask for help.
Thank you, Adam, for being so vulnerable with your insight and story. You can follow Adam on Twitter @ajbarnesauthor
If you are struggling with your mental health, please do not do so alone. You can contact call SANEline on 0300 304 7000.
Emily E K Murdoch 